Before Mother’s Day, among the typical focus on moms, grandmoms, and stepmoms it is possible to find some support for those struggling with infertility. Unfortunately, this is the case for Father’s Day. In general, there is a significant gap in support for men experiencing infertility. There are often perceived as the “rock” for their partner, and either having no feelings about their infertility or keeping them hidden to focus on their energy on supporting their partner.
However, men on this journey not surprisingly have feelings too. Whether they carry a male factor diagnosis and feel shame or guilt, or simply feel awful watching their partner suffer,the emotional burden is substantial. Most men experience high levels of anxiety, and about a third report significant symptoms of depression.If you are feelings sad or irritable, it is a normal reaction to the situation.
So how can you better care for yourself in the days leading up to Father’s Day and the day itself?
- Acknowledge that it can hurt. It is yet another Father’s Day where you aren’t a dad. This wasn’t the plan, it wasn’t supposed to happen this way, and it can feel really unfair.
- Consider how you want to spend the day. Are you able to focus on your dad/your partner’s dad/grandfathers? If not, plan the day to best support yourself.
- If you are at a family event and someone asks you an insensitive question, or seeing others being dads feels painful, think of an escape plan ahead of time. A signal to your partner that you need to leave, a sudden need to offer to clean up the kitchen, a desire to take a walk, a “migraine” or “stomachache” which requires you to go lie down or leave. Be prepared.
- If there are certain things which people say to you which really bother you, think of “snappy comeback lines”, so you aren’t caught off guard. Memorize them and use as needed.
This is the one day of the year where you may suffer significantly more than your partner so ask for support, be prepared, and identify and then meet your needs as much as possible.